Bite Size

13 Celebrities That Just Won’t Die

By Evelyn Kennedy Jaffe

The time of the human is fleeting. Each of us is but a blip in the cosmic computer. However, largely unknown to us, we will be outlasted by many. It is widely agreed upon in certain circles that there are definite immortal people who walk among us, and many (but not all) of them appear upon the great glowing screen of the cinema. I have consulted the coven of Tumblr witches in my basement and we have decided to bring these deathless critters into the light.

1. Keanu Reeves

A neutral god, a pillar of humanity, he looms. King Charlemagne? Way back in 748 CE? It was the soul we now know as the dude from the Matrix. He has also moonlighted as Paul Mounet, and the source of his eternal youth is not known.

2. John Mulaney

A younger immortal, perhaps born in the 1920s, still figuring the whole “thing” out. Gazing at the time he has in front of him, he is already exhausted.

3. Nicholas Flamel

One of the OG immortal homies, born 1330. He is believed to have discovered the Philosopher’s Stone, which would indicate that he had artificially concocted immortality. He is said to have died in 1418, but we all know that’s not true…

4. Will Smith

A lord of time. No one is quite sure how long he has been around, but it is agreed that he’s been out and about for at least a couple hundred years. He used to dictate time travel, but more recently was responsible for YouTube Rewind, and my contact within the Immortal Network has told me that he’s currently on probation for that infraction.

5. Avril Lavigne

Many have heard of the theory that Avril was replaced by a lookalike in 2003, but the reality of the matter is that she is one of the natural-born immortals who has been around long enough to have been granted shape-shifting powers. 

6. Janelle Monáe

Another young immortal, but in a new and different way than Mulaney. The youngest on this list, Monáe is hypothesized to be an android or perhaps a cyborg. The notes of 60s pop in her music or her outfits that hint at 19th-century gentlemen’s fashion could be a nod to her true origins. Even more interestingly, she has been very public about an alter ego of hers: Cindy Mayweather…who is allegedly from the year 2719. Perhaps time travel is one of the tricks up her sleeve.

7. Happy Dave

He swipes your ID card for Okenshields lunch now, but legend has it that Cornell was in fact founded because he stood upon the hill, eyes ablaze with the fire of duty, way back in 1865.

8. Priyanka Chopra

A woman of wartime – truly a goddess descended to our mere mortal level. Have you seen the steel in her eyes? Athena of Greco-Roman mythology, 100 percent.

9. Eddie Murphy

One of the younger yet one of the quieter immortals. A photo of his 1920 self surfaced, but little is known about this mysterious being.

10. Tilda Swinton

A fey creature who delights in flitting about mortals. She has recently become very cocky, appearing as the Ancient One in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, perhaps hinting at her true nature. Born about 550 years ago.

11. Nicholas Cage

According to eBay, is 100 percent a vampire who reinvents himself every 75 years or so. He has been quick to deny this fact, but you know the truth now, don’t you, dear reader?

12. John Travolta

A known Scientologist and Nic Cage’s mortal enemy. Scientologists believe in a strain of reincarnation, and for Travolta, it’s real. A vampire hunter by trade, he has been spotted during similar times as Cage for millennia.

13. Whoopi Goldberg

All-seeing. All-knowing. If I talk about her being immortal for too long, she’ll seek me out. Best buds with Priyanka – together they are a tactical team for good.

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